For the Features team I have gone through their most viewed articles and given you, our dear readers, a glimpse of what that tells you about them, and made up some fake news stories for our News team. However, with the Evergreen team, that's not so easy. Their job comprises editing and organisation more than raw writing, making it difficult to gauge – so we're doing different. What do you mean, you didn't care about the first two articles and you don't care about this one? Look, cheer up, it's Christmas. Besides, I need to make my opening paragraph long enough that Google doesn't give us a wedgie and dunk our head in the toilet. Okay that should be long enough. Maybe one more sentence. Okay, all good.
Instead of going by top articles, I am digging deep into a piece of Evergreen lore. One of our favourite types of evergreen article is Best [Insert Animal Type] In Gaming. So let's go: here's every Evergreen team member and what video game animal they are.
Issy & Vaspaan – Any Shiny Pokemon, Pokemon
Issy and Vaspaan are only part time in the Evergreen department, spending more of their time elsewhere at TheGamer. This makes them rare, much like a shiny Pokemon. And, they’re as special as shiny Pokemon too! Because shinies only look different and have no actual value.
Joe – Fizzlybear, Viva Pinata
Joe’s a big gay bear and I want to repeatedly hit him with sticks.
Dan – Cutie the Elephant, It Takes Two
Dan is brand new. Like, he just joined the site this week new. I know nothing about him. Seems like a nice guy. We’ll probably tear him apart.
Quinton – Boggy B, Worms
For specific in-joke reasons that it would take too long to explain, Quinton is a worm. Tethered, this time.
James – Goose, Untitled Goose Game
The first of these animal lists I can remember us doing was ‘Best Ducks’, and it was written by our own James Kennedy before he joined the site fully. The goose, despite not being a duck, snuck onto that list because it had the annoying habit of popping up everywhere. Anyway, James is the goose because of mumble mumble.
Matt – Crash Bandicoot, Crash Bandicoot
Matt… well, listen. Matt doesn’t work my time zone. Matt’s a quiet worker who keeps to himself. Matt’s a nice guy, probably. He, um, he has dark hair in his profile picture. I don’t know much about him. I wanted to put Crash Bandicoot on the list. Matt’s Crash Bandicoot, why not.
Harry – Some Weird Roblox Animal, Roblox
I was going to look up some animal-based Roblox games for this, but then I realised our time on this planet is finite and I did not need to waste it thinking about Roblox.
Charles – Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog
Much like Matt, Charles works a different time zone and keeps to himself, but he’s pretty dang fast, so Sonic it is.
Helen – The Tomb Raider Bear, Take a Wild Guess
Helen is in charge of training, and so is the first obstacle writers must surpass, so she likely seems scary – just like the snarling bear in Rise of the Tomb Raider. However, Helen is actually a very nice woman, and the bear is a tutorial that can’t actually hurt you.
Axel – Cinderace, Pokemon
Axel also oversees training, but he’s here as the football Pokemon because he’s one of the few editors who shares my love for the beautiful game. It’s probably a bit easier when your team has Messi playing for them.
Branden – Blathers, Animal Crossing
Branden’s like a little professor, and it was between Blathers or Genki, so Blathers it is. Branden makes his own Tamagotchi and makes his own dice from pebbles he found in a river. His opinions on creepy crawlies are as yet unknown.
Jerel – Spyro, Spyro the Dragon
Jerel is a Dungeons & Dragons guy, but he’s too sweet to be Agharr The Blood Drenched Fire Dragon Of Death or whatever D&D dragons are called, so Spyro. It’s a dragon, but like, a charming one.
David – Seahorse from the Newcastle badge, FIFA 23
Like myself, David is one of God’s chosen people – a Geordie – but I could not think of a magpie in video games anywhere, so it’s the seahorse on the Newcastle badge. Look, it’s my list, okay?
Ryan – Owl, Overcooked 2
Ryan is the baker of the group, and while the chefs in Overcooked tend to cause crises more than they cause crepes, it was hard to find animal chefs. It seems like a dangerous profession for animals, in fairness. The chefs don’t appear to have much of a story in Overcooked either, but the owl seemed the most fitting. Ryan has a lot of interesting stories about birds, you see.
Rebecca – Sly Cooper, Sly Cooper
Every month we have a little award ceremony in Evergreen to celebrate everyone’s hard work with edits, pitches, writing, general coverage, you name it, we do it. And you name it, Rebecca swipes the trophy. I’m not saying she’s stealing the awards but you know, mumble mumble mumble.
Sam – Trico, The Last Guardian
As Deputy Lead, Sam is our last guardian in many ways. He marshalls the team with a sense of quiet calm, and is beloved the world over. And, much like Trico, I prefer my cat to Sam.
Santi – Conker, Conker’s Bad Fur Day
Santi is the most foul-mouthed fucking bastard I ever met.
Amanda – Reindog, MultiVersus
Amanda is one of our Evergreen Leads, and thus her job is to support the rest of the team, even as chaos swirls around her. Reindog, the non-violent Support fighter, is the best fit for her.
Meg – Red XIII, Final Fantasy 7
Meg is our Guides Lead, and similar to Amanda, a major part of her job is supporting those around her. However, she chooses to do it with violence, not love.
Source: Read Full Article