If you’re an ordinary person, you probably don’t think about what it would be like to be stranded on an island every day. I, on the other hand, am one strange fella, and I often ask myself which characters I would never want to be stuck on an island with. Everyone could probably make a few of the same picks, but the more you think about the question, the more nuanced your answers might become.
There are a lot of video game characters, and not all of them are the kinds of characters you want to be best buddies with. Scratch that, maybe you would want to be friends with them, but you can also acknowledge you just wouldn’t want to spend all that much time alone with them. Some people can really only be handled in small doses. Hopefully, my worst island-stranded fears never come true.
10 Ashley Graham – Resident Evil 4
Even just reading her name, you probably shivered a bit as her never-ending cries for help filled your mind. She’s not a bad character, far from it, but she’s not exactly the one doing all the heavy-lifting during her action-packed adventure in Resident Evil 4.
The last thing I or anyone else would need is to suddenly hear Ashley screeching for help while you’re in the middle of collecting wood. At the very least, we’d all know that if worse comes to worst, she might be willing to deliver a German suplex to any of the enemies you’d come across, though that would depend on the version of Ashley you’re with.
9 Resetti – Animal Crossing
The last thing anyone needs when stranded on a desert island is something screaming at you to save your data. Imagine it, doing everything you can to survive on your own, and suddenly, an irate mole starts shouting at you.
The worst part of it would be that it would be utter nonsense. Him telling you to save your game is almost a taunt since anyone would be wishing to be back home playing their favorite games, but instead, you get to deal with a sassy mole. No one needs that much sass.
8 King Dedede – Kirby
Anyone stuck on an island with King Dedede probably couldn’t be any more down on their luck. Would Dedede take responsibility for the situation and do what he could to help? Absolutely not. King Dedede would just be waiting for a task to be completed, so he could take all the credit.
Gather some food, Dedede would just take it for himself. If you’re stranded on an island with a greedy and oversized penguin, you’ve probably made a couple of wrong decisions, but things absolutely couldn’t get much worse than King Dedede.
7 Donkey Kong – Donkey Kong Country
Donkey Kong actually might be a useful character to have on an island with you, but he might be a little… intense. He is a big gorilla after all, and because of that communication might not be the easiest thing in the world.
Without a few bananas to bribe DK with, he’d likely run off on his own to build a perfect treehouse and somehow create a stockpile filled with bananas of his own. What I’m trying to say is, Donkey Kong would probably just end up taking any necessary fruit for himself.
6 Doomguy – Doom
While Doomguy probably wouldn’t be all that useful on an island, he would be hilarious to watch run around. With no enemies in sight, what is he meant to do? He’d have to tear around tearing trees apart with his bare hands, so if nothing else, that means there’ll be plenty of firewood.
Anyone stuck with him would likely have to do everything on their own, but if by some wild chance a portal to hell were to open, Doomguy would probably be ready with sharp sticks and plenty of the hardest coconuts the world has ever seen.
5 Sora – Kingdom Hearts
If you want to be serious about it, Sora probably would be fine to be stuck with. The issue is, no human being can withstand hearing about the power of friendship, good hearts, and the light every hour of every day.
At this point, Sora is far removed from his time spent on the beautiful Destiny Islands, so his survival skills probably aren’t amazing. If he had access to summons, at least he’d be able to provide some kind of entertainment. If Sora’s appetite is anything like his shoes, good luck finding enough food.
4 Frank Fontaine – Bioshock
The whole “would you kindly” thing from Bioshock is undoubtedly one of the best video game twists of all time. The issue is, if you’re anything like me, you hate having someone condescendingly asking you to do things.
Hearing Fontaine constantly using the phrase to demand that you go above and beyond in a situation would be a pain. Not to mention, potentially winding up with a lobotomy or having some kind of trigger phrase implanted in your brain while you sleep is something that could always happen while near Fontaine.
3 Mario – Super Mario
With how many adventures Mario has gone on, you might think that being stuck with Mario might not be all that bad. In the real world, the last thing you need is Mario stomping a turtle right in front of you.
Hearing the same few phrases over and over again likely would get on anyone’s nerves as well. If you needed to jump really far, Mario is your man, but that’s not exactly a problem that comes up all that often when trapped on an island.
2 Duke Nukem – Duke Nukem Forever
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For some people, Duke Nukem might not be all that bad to be around. Unfortunately, I can only handle so much bro-energy. All the constant dirty jokes and cringe-worthy one-liners would probably lose their lustre after the first day.
He might be able to luck into some good fortune, but without anything to drive him forward, Duke would probably just dismiss the whole situation to work on his tan. Few are as self-absorbed as Duke, and that’s not a personality that many can handle.
1 Navi – Ocarina Of Time
Navi may be one of Link’s trustiest companions, but I am a man who needs no tutorial. Being followed around by a fairy that provides information that you already know would be enough to send anyone into the ocean.
Just trying to go about your daily survival tasks only to hear, “HEY, LISTEN!” as Navi stares at a nearby rock formation does not sound like a good time. Everyone knows she means well, but there’s a good reason Link was never trapped on an island with the fairy.
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