Professional wrestling entertainment is one of those things that I loved as a kid, got cynical towards as an adolescent, and grew to respect as an adult. Especially being an actor, I admire the highly athletic stage combat skills and dynamic characterizations that make the genre so exhilarating to watch. Still, WWE isn't something I pay much attention to these days.
However, in my pursuits as a noob gaming journalist, my editor gave me an article assignment for the newly launched WWE 2K22. My wanton millennial mind took a deep dive into nineties-fueled nostalgia as I played the game. Back then, all my cousins and I needed to have fun was a trampoline, imagination, and a blatant disregard for each other's safety and general welfare. So step into the ring with me as I reminisce about all the wrestling moves we shouldn't have tried at home but absolutely did anyway.
Listen, I don't know the demographic of the people reading this thing. But, whether you're a highly impressionable child or a remarkably reckless adult, please do not attempt any of these moves at home. Seriously. I like my job and intend to keep it. Plus, I'm too poor to have a legal team on my ass, let alone World Wrestling Entertainment. So again, for the love of Hulk Hogan, DO NOT PILEDRIVE YOUR NEPHEW ON THE TRAMPOLINE! Okay. Moving on.
5 Rikishi's Stink Face
If you were around for the Attitude era, you knew that the stable, Too Cool, simply was the coolest. The group started as a tag team between Scotty 2 Hotty and Grandmaster Sexay (Damn, I miss '90s wrestler names.). However, the duo later united with the powerful Rikishi to form a trio of possibly the three best friends that anyone would want. Seriously, whenever they danced to their signature theme song, the crowd would join them!
However, my most vivid memory of Too Cool was Rikishi's ass…Okay – please, let me explain! So, Solofa Fatu Jr. created the character Rikishi in homage to Japanese sumo wrestlers. Therefore, in tradition with the sport, Rikishi did not wear anything under his mawashi. In other words, those cheeks were out. And if you were anywhere near them, you were in for a face full. Literally, Rikishi's signature move was a Stink Face. He rubbed his ass in his opponent's face to humiliate them.
So, how does this relate to me? Whenever my cousins got together and Too Cool's entrance theme, "Turn It Up," started playing, my face got smooshed under my youngest cousin's ass. Every. Damn. Time. And back then, he was a runt. But did that make a difference? Hell, no! I still could not breathe under the stronghold of his tiny butt. And if a fart came out, forget it! Even today, my body still shudders when I hear "bangin' it, bangin' it, bangin' it."
Rikishi is not in WWE 2K22 as of this moment. But the story was too good to pass up.
4 X-Pac's Bronco Buster
D-Generation X was a stable established by legends Sean Michaels, Triple H, Chyna, and Rick Rude. But D-Generation X, more specifically X-Pac's, most significant contribution to the world was and forever shall be "Suck It!" This vulgar phrase, accompanied by the dramatic crotch signaling, is responsible for the wailings of mothers across America throughout the nineties and early 2000s.
My cousin, let's just call him Prick, especially loved "Suck It!" Seriously, I think there's a home video somewhere that has an eight-year-old Prickolas chopping his hands into his thighs yelling, "SUUUUUUUCK IIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"
So, it's no surprise that one of his favorite moves was the Bronco Buster. And surprise, it also involves the groin! And double surprise, it also involves my poor innocent face. Yup. Every Saturday afternoon from about 1998 to 2003 had at least one moment when my cousin yelled "suck it" and shoved his groin into my cranium.
3 Stone Cold Steve Austin's Stone Cold Stunner
My favorite wrestler was the Texas Rattlesnake, Stone Cold Steve Austin when I was a kid. I'm not really sure why because, in all honesty, I was a high-voiced soft boy from Long Island with no athletic prowess. And these qualities do not a brash Southern beer-guzzling anti-hero make. Maybe I just liked yelling, "AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE, CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!"
Furthermore, let me be clear, I was never the one performing the signature moves. I was the one taking them. So, yes, I was a human training dummy. And, yes, I got severely hurt. And, no, I regret ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! As the resident training dummy, one move I could never see coming was a kick to the gut followed by a jawbreaker to the ground. But did getting hit with my favorite wrestler's signature move make me feel a little better. Eh. Maybe?
And that's the bottom line, cause Stone Chris said so. (Ha, I said the thing.)
2 The Rock's Rock Bottom And The People's Elbow
You can't talk about WWE without mentioning Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. His crowd work was mesmerizing, and his wrestling stunning. Furthermore, he could make an arena go wild by raising a single eyebrow. And whenever he asked, "if you SMEEELLLLLLLL what the ROCK is COOKIN?" you knew a three-course meal of whoop-ass was in store. This dude was, is, and forever will be the real freaking deal. So, of course, us nineties kids imitated him any chance we could.
There are plenty of reasons why The Rock Bottom is the perfect move for pre-teens to bust on each other. First of all, it's quick. There's no flashy start-up. Second of all, it's easy to learn. You just grab your opponent and throw them to the ground. Finally, it's effective. Did I mention this is a violent slam to the ground? This move will knock the wind out of you as it has to me many times. Therefore, The Rock Bottom is the most efficient form of pain.
However, if you were a pre-teen wrestling fan with a trampoline, you could get even more creative. My brother and I's trampoline had a safety net to prevent bouncers from falling off. However, to our cousins and us, the net's real purpose was to replicate the ropes of the SMACKDOWN arena. This feature allowed us to rebound off the net and ram our elbows into each other's jaws, just like The Rock. In this case, The People's Elbow became The Cousin's Elbow.
1 The Undertaker's Last Ride
For most of his career, The Undertaker was known as the gothic Lord of Darkness, donning pitch-black cloaks, wide-brimmed hats, and even a phantom mask at one point. He would even get followed around by a maniacal pallbearer. In addition, he did this gross trick where he'd roll his eyes back into his head, revealing only their whites. It was terrifying.
Then, the early 2000s came, and The Undertaker's character was retooled into his American Badass persona. This rebranding was closer to wrestler Mark William Calaway's real-life personality, replacing the horrific Deadman with a smack-talking biker. This re-imagining of The Undertaker brought many changes, including an irritating earworm of an entrance song by Limp Bizkit ("Keep rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin'" Ugh 🤮). It also introduced one of The Undertaker's signature moves, The Last Ride.
My twin brother (Yes. There are two of us. But no, we're not identical.) loved The Undertaker. Therefore, I was the victim of many, many, many Last Rides. In reality, I was a very heavy fourth-grader, so my brother could never lift me on his shoulders or throw me that far. However, he would tackle me to the ground while my cousin, performing his most over-the-top JR impression, would yell, "Oh no! It's happening! It's The Last Ride! THE LAST RIDE!" And to us, it counted.
Source: Read Full Article