When it was first suggested that this week’s Big Question should be ‘What Pokemon Can You Take On?’, the response from staff was absolutely childish. Therefore, I hope you dirty animals appreciate the clarification we had to add. Get your minds out of the gutter, we have some animals to punch the living daylights out of.
So, without further ado, what Pokemon do you think you could take (in a fight)?
Mr. Mime
Rhiannon Bevan, News Editor
I do not trust this man. What is he? Why is his texture like that in Detective Pikachu? Why is he so fleshy, and walking around acting like a human? I mean, obviously not every Pokemon should be treated like a pet, but this fella is just taking it too far. I mean hell, even if he was a human, he’d be giving me the creeps. I just realized I’m explaining why I would not fight him, not how. But I think that would be fairly simple, to be honest, since he’s literally a mime. There would be nothing fake about my punches, my friend. He’s about to catch these hands for real.
Caterpie
Andrew King, Features Editor
Caterpie. It's literally just a bug. Weedle, also, would be very easy to squash. String Shot, seriously? Grow up.
Gloom
Stacey Henley, Editor-in-Chief
Frankly, I think I could take several Pokemon in a fight, especially going off their canon height. Charizard is the same height as Selena Gomez. Lucario is three foot nine. Be serious. Then there’s the fact many of them are bugs, or fish, or just amorphous balls of gas. You think I couldn’t win a fight against a duck, or a little puppy dog? That’s why rather than listing every single Pokemon I might be able to beat, I’m going to consider who is the toughest Pokemon I could take in a fight. Rapidash, for example, would obviously wreck me. Copperajah is an elephant made of steel. Therefore I’m going to declare that the cut-off point for me, at which point I could beat all weaker Pokemon but no stronger Pokemon, is Gloom. It has the sort of supernatural moves that would seriously injure, or even kill, a human being, but it’s also very slow and drowsy and probably just about able to get the better of.
Professor Oak (For Some Reason)
James Troughton, News & Photo Editor
If all humans are ‘animals’, then in the Pokemon world, surely all humans are ‘mons? With that out of the way – Professor Oak. He’s an old scientist who hangs around in a small town lab all day, so I reckon I could take him down in a fight. If not, I can always rope in his grandson to give me a hand – he can’t even remember their name, so I’m sure they’d be more than willing to double-team the stiff.
Magikarp & Feebas
Issy van der Velde, News & Evergreen Editor
The only Pokemon I’m confident in my ability to fight are Magikarp and Feebas. These two fish do nothing but flop about, barely even learning Tackle. Almost every other ‘mon gets access to some sort of elemental move or something devastating like Double Edge or Hyper Fang. Seriously, even though Rattata is just a rat, and I reckon I could fight at least a small swarm of rats – RIP Corvo, but I’m built different – anything that can take away half of an opponent’s life force with one bite is too nasty for me. Everyone here needs to get their head out their arses and smell the Petal Dance – even Luvdisc can use Ice Beam, so all these “weaker” Pokemon you’re smugly boasting you could beat would fuck you up.
Voltorb
Matt Arnold, Specialist
Voltorb is perfectly spherical and its main defence is to self-destruct. Roll it down a hill and watch it explode from a safe distance. The same strategy should work for Electrode, though its blast radius is probably larger.
Tyrogue
Gabrielle Huston, Specialist
I wish I could say Throh or Sawk, but I didn’t take Taekwondo long after I tripped over another woman’s feet in a footrace and got a concussion. I could probably beat a Tyrogue, though; it’s canonically always taking on enemies bigger and stronger than itself to improve its abilities. Plus, it can’t learn nearly as many of those attacks that are effectively just elemental or spiritual magic, like Healing Wish or Magical Leaf.
Pikachu
Justin Reeve, News Editor
I don’t have any superpowers or special abilities and so I doubt that I could take on most Pokemon, but if I had to step into the ring with one of them, I’d probably pick Pikachu. How come? Well, two reasons. First of all, Pikachu is basically a mouse. I wouldn’t be much of a human if I couldn’t even stand up to a mouse. The second reason is that Pikachu seems a little bit smarter than most Pokemon, so they’d hopefully know that I’m not actually out to get them and give me a break instead of going straight for the electrical shock.
Ditto
Joshua Robertson, News Editor
Just like Issy, I’m not confident I could beat up any Pokemon without it inflicting horrible damage on me. Getting cooked by Flamethrower, electrocuted by a Thunderbolt, or having my life force taken away with Mega Drain is far too risky, so I’m going to take moves out of the equation. I’m going to fight a Ditto because then all I’d have to do is take down a normal guy with a bad back, and I reckon I could do that.
All Of Them
Quinton O’Connor, Specialist
I can beat them all. Deoxys cannot stop me. Zygarde best be on its guard. I will find a way to tear every single Pokemon to shreds or die trying. I know what you’re thinking. “I guess Quinton will die trying, then.” When I’m finished with Eternatus, the Darkest Night will be painted red in fire and blood. Pokemon… hmph. I’m not going to them out, friends. I’m going to end them.
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