The Tarnished – main protag of Elden Ring – is a mighty chap indeed. Despite having no Maidens to keep them on the straight and narrow, they went on to do some great – and, let’s be honest, weird things. Committed Deicide? Check. Met a sentient pair of fingers? Check. Destroyed/restored/replaced a celestial being that may actually be a Lovecraftian cosmic entity bent on enslaving the world? Three for three.
Despite all of their achievements, there are still characters in the greater video game universe that could step into the ring and give them a run for their money. For argument's sake, we will be removing the inherent immortality assigned to The Tarnished. We’ll just class that as a “convenient gameplay mechanic” – otherwise, we would be here all day. Let’s get cracking.
7 The Chosen Undead – Dark Souls
We are starting big. The Tarnished could clap The Chosen Undead. At first, you might think it could be a fairly even fight because they both have similar movesets and exist in comparatively depressing worlds. The thing is, though, the difference between them is stark once you look at their respective rosters.
Firstly, The Chosen Undead – what did they actually do? They traveled around an already dead world, killing mostly-dead things and wailing on Gods and bosses well past their prime. The Tarnished did similar things but also killed a galactic slave envoy and Miquella (who is arguably way more dangerous).
6 Link – The Legend Of Zelda
Link, in all of his incarnations, has done some seriously impressive stuff. He has traveled through time, prevented a planetary object from destroying what could be considered his own personal purgatory, and escaped a coma by conjuring an island in his dreams and waking up an oversized fish.
The thing is, Link is also a total wet noodle. He has always been a slave to a Greater Will – a puppet on a string with the thin veil of “Hero” and “Destiny” to disguise it. Link is, to The Tarnished, nothing more than a slave to an entity that they have already killed. Link is, in a sense, Radagon – but with blonde hair. Oh, and let’s not forget that one time Link fell down a well and died.
5 Ellie – The Last Of Us
Ellie is one heck of a badass. She carved her way into the hearts of millions with her wit, charm, and propensity for mass murder – whether that be human or zombie. Ellie could go toe-to-toe with a lot of characters in the video game universe and give most of them a run for their money. But could she beat them in a fight?
No. This includes The Tarnished too. Ellie is all about the killing. She is almost an unstoppable killing machine. Almost. Ellie’s greatest weakness in a scrap is her inability to follow through when fighting the last boss. If Ellie fought the Tarnished, she would give up at the last second and walk away. And before she could take more than a few steps, she would be vaporized by a Comet Azur.
4 Kratos – God Of War: Chains Of Olympus
Ok, I know what you’re thinking. Surely The Tarnished would get brutally murdered by Kratos in a brawl. Yes, you’d be right. But, Kratos isn’t infallible, and he has had times of questionable combat ability, reasoning, and planning. Remember, Kratos was once a potato.
In God Of War – Chains Of Olympus, Kratos was a very angry spud, and this decision would be the end of him. As mighty as he is, the awkwardness of his attire would slow him down. The moist interior of the tattyskin would lubricate his body and cause him to fight for balance. It is in this moment of weakness that The Tarnished could Transient Moonlight Kratos into oblivion.
3 Slice Of Bread – I Am Bread
If The Tarnished could slay the mighty God of War dressed as a potato, then a sentient slice of bread is no match. This pre-evolution of toast has achieved much in its life, but it is simply no match for the overwhelming power of The Tarnished and his wide range of weapons, spells, and incantations.
The only way a slice of bread could defeat The Tarnished would be if it managed to get out of bounds using its preternatural climbing abilities. Unfortunately, this would count as a disqualification as we are using Soul Calibur rules for all of these fights. That’s an instant dub for The Tarnished right there.
2 Fred Durst – WWF Smackdown! Just Bring It / Fight Club
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Fred Durst is nigh unstoppable. He is the frontman of the most famous band in the world (if Google is to be believed), among other things. What few people realize is that this adonis of a man is also a veteran fighter in the video game space. This was solidified during his tenure in 2001’s WWF Smackdown! Just Bring It, and 2004's Fight Club.
Fred Durst squared up against legends of the Ring – such as The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin. What can a humble Tarnished do against such strength – such power? The Tarnished is well versed in the art of Wrestling, as they did, in fact, kick the snot out of Horrah Loux. As blindingly radiant as Fred Durst is, he can’t hold a candle to the God of Wrestling himself.
1 Bill And Hillary Clinton – NBA Jam Tournament Edition
The ultimate tag-team duo. Bill and Hillary Clinton are monsters of the political sphere – so powerful that these guys can talk their way out of just about anything. Their most famous appearance, however? NBA Jam Tournament Edition. It was here that they reached the height of their popularity, proving they can lead nations and dribble with the best of them.
In a game of Basketball, The Tarnished doesn’t stand a chance. Even with his ability to jump, they can’t land those sweet dunks. But this isn’t a round on the court, and The Tarnished has faced duos before. In fact, they have faced a tag team of political leaders. Of course, we are talking about Radagon and Queen Marika – both of which were taken down during The Tarnished’s crusade. They can’t score a three-pointer, but they can shank people with their pointy stick.
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