My GTA Online role-play dildo prank went horribly wrong

I am haunted by a telltale vibrator in my digital home. I cannot stop it, and I cannot escape it. The best I can do is avert my eyes and hope that no one else discovers my shame.

My friends and I have spent the last few weeks settling into a Grand Theft Auto Online role-play server called New Day. This server runs on the FiveM mod, and the features on this enhanced version of the game allow for incredibly granular real-life simulations.

The in-game real estate market, which tries to mimic the actual thing, is as competitive as you might expect. My friend Jake and I saved up enough money over weeks by fishing, drawing in-character art commissions, and delivering for the post office. Then, I spent a solid week checking real estate listings and calling realtors. Eventually, we were able to purchase a charming little starter house, and it was a complete blast to decorate the place. New Day allows for players to select furniture from a catalogue and customize it, which is a little janky, but it works.

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A few patient players offer their services as interior decorators, but Jake and I are veterans of The Sims and Fallout 76, so we decided we could do it on our own. Sure enough, we created a beautiful home that had an artsy studio for my social media influencer and a man cave for Jake’s mafia bro.

The catalogue is full of items from the base Grand Theft Auto game, like cool statues or comfy chairs. But there are also a few dildos, catalogued as “Good Vibes’’ under the “Small” category in the main game; these are cheeky little props that could show up in certain bedrooms or the Vanilla Unicorn strip club. In my hands, they would become an agent of destruction.

To cap our home decorating off, I decided to put a giant purple vibrator on Jake’s pillow, as a decoration. After all, he could edit or remove it at his leisure. It’d be a five second prank, I figured, and we’d all have a good chuckle.

I went to lie down and pet the cats, and my phone started buzzing with Discord messages.

“Cass please come back and remove the dildo

I cannot remove it and I’m kinda annoyed by it”

Thus began several hours of work. Despite our efforts, the dildo was still visible, proudly preening on top of Jake’s in-game pillows … but I could not select it. I could not move it. I tried deleting his bed. Maybe that would solve things? (It didn’t.)

I tried for hours to remove it using the in-game menu. I fiddled with the edit function. I spammed delete on everything around it. I left the house, restarted my computer, and shut the game down and restarted it dozens of times.

I ended up filing a ticket through the New Day Discord, and three administrators all responded to the complaint, asking questions and attempting to help. I couldn’t see their troubleshooting, but we spoke over the course of two days trying to fix the issue. It was a valiant effort, and I don’t blame them at all for my hubris. FiveM is a finicky beast to work in, as it’s a community project built on top of Rockstar’s infrastructure.

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The lighting in the image isn’t great, due to another technical issue with player housing, so I tentatively asked the admin if they could see the vibrator in the dim room. They replied in the affirmative, and I felt foolish. Of course you can see it. Anyone can spot it. It’s so out of place, so aggressively purple against the earth-toned walls.

At one point, in desperation, I tried to cover the model with a stack of extra cushions. It didn’t work. The only model that permanently saved into the house was one, sad pillow, precariously purchased on top of the vibrator like a terrible hunter’s bizarre trap.

Image: Rockstar Games via Polygon

Jake had spent hours carefully arranging his room and building a home that represented his avatar, and I had besmirched it with a giant purple dildo. At one point, he moved out into a motel room he still had rented under his name. “I don’t want an apology,” he told me as he walked his character out the front door and pulled out of the driveway. “I just want to come home and have that dildo be gone.”

I have tried everything at this point. I went to Public Works, in-game, to ask city officials if they could help. I worked with admins out of game. At this point, I suspect the only way to permanently cleanse the dildo is to nuke the entire house and start from scratch — something neither of us want to do.

Eventually, Jake re-arranged his room. The vibrator is now perfectly hidden by a tower fan. I asked him if he wanted to file another ticket with the admins, and he politely declined.

Image: Rockstar Games via Polygon

“I do not want to discuss the vibrator, I do not want to correspond about the vibrator, I do not want to troubleshoot the vibrator,” he said. “It’s fine.”

And so, we continue to live our rich GTA Online role-play lives. Both of us simply choose to ignore the telltale vibrator, buzzing, buzzing forevermore.

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